Sometimes, it's a shadow just lurking out of sight. I'm aware of its presence, but not deeply under its sway. Other times, it washes over me, consuming my thoughts like the waves of a stormy sea.
Most of the time, it's a low-grade vibration, quivering just under the surface of it all. Before you ask, I'm never at any real risk; my husband helps me; I see a therapist regularly; and I take medication.
Today is one of those days, low grade vibrations, sometimes there are peaks, and I'm happier. Watching the kids run at track practice, joy writ large across their faces, practicing their relays. Hugging my husband, feeling warm and safe, and allowing the tears to fall for a moment.
I feel just a little broken, and I can't say why. Not today. I slept well, but every little thing seems to be pushing me closer and closer to breaking. What do I do? I think, sometimes that I get to the weekend, and the walls that hold me up during the week need to rest themselves and I am left without their protection.
The only advice I can give myself is to stay as calm as I can. To try to stay distant. If I come to close, I might shatter. I feel like a soap bubble, one breath away from tears again. But there is homework to do, meals to prepare, family to enjoy. I can manage this much, I think.
|Fake it til you make it, I say.|