I've been writing versions of this in my head for a long time. Maybe too long, I don't really know anymore. I've definitely been feeling it for longer than I want to admit, so perhaps it's time to put it out there.

Sometimes I am angry.

I wake up in the morning, groggy, stumbling to help the kids with the morning routine and I feel it bubbling under the surface, as the sun is rising. I start to think about our morning (getdressedgetbreakfastgettoschoolgetcoffeetidythehouse) and I just feel hopelessly lost. The walls are closing in around me already.

I snap at the kids, at my husband. I ponder kicking something, and I try to breathe through it, until we are out the door, up the hill in the sunshine.

I'm better then, for a while, while we drop Her off at school, run errands, get home and get on with our day. Sometimes I just want to curl up, and doze the morning away, pretend that they aren't always asking for something, anything, over and over again.

(another string cheese? perhaps some milk?)

Sometimes, I go through the motions, just so I can get out the door again, to take the Boy to the park, hoping that I get to have 2 minutes of adult conversation. And when he wants to go on the swings, there I am again, angry and resenting this life that I chose. Resenting the moms who go to work, resenting the kids who can play with other kids, rather than sit next to me snacking. Resenting everyone and everything.


I'm not proud of these moments. But they are there.

Yes, I know I have lots to be Not Angry about - my kids are healthy, I am healthy as is Dave. I have a good relationship with everyone in my family and I have good friends that would be there for me in a heartbeat, if I called on them. I am lucky, and blessed and so, so very fortunate, and I acknowledge it every chance I can.

But still, there in the dark, deeply rooted corner of my mind it's whispering. Sometimes. I am Angry.


Anonymous said…
I know it isn't any consolation, but you are not alone. I never knew anger until I became a mother. I never knew I could so resent a being I brought into the world so much, that this tiny person I love more than anything could make me more mad than I have ever been in my life. Maybe the intense emotion is just a part of motherhood but I have found it gets better/lessens as my kid gets older. I hope it lessens for you as well.
Grampa said…
I can't say anything that would help. What does a sixty-seven year old Grampa know, anyway. But I do care.
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. But you aren't alone in those feelings. I have them too.

It is hard. The demands on your time and attention don't go away. There is always something that should be done and the monotony of the routine is so wearing and taps me.

Given I am not home all day, I feel like a bad mom that I feel that way at all. As a SAHM, I have to imagine it is even more rough to deal with the daily routine and not having the outside interaction.

I am with Mrs. Irritation about the anger that you can feel as a mother being so deep. I love my family. But it isn't easy. Being a mom is a challenge. One we can't just walk away from. And there are always new things that test us.

*hugs* I hope the good days outweigh the bad by a lot.
Rebekah Jaunty said…
How could anyone help being angry under those conditions? Surely 8 out of 10 mothers feel this way and aren't sure they're allowed to mention it.

Would a punching bag help?
I was ready to compose a response to this post and then I read Mrs. Irritation's comment and now all I need to say is: DITTO.

I hope it helps to hear that. And I hope it helped to write this down. You are NOT alone.
Andrea said…
I read this last night and have kept it open so I could come back and post a comment for you. I agree w/what people have said, you're not alone, and I hope that you know that. I know we're *new friends* so it might be weird to hear me say that if you need to talk, I'm here, but I am. I know these moments. Many of us know them - live them - feel them. They're so real. It's OK to let it out and admit they're happening. Sometimes the ability to just write it out is all you need. (hugs) to you. And if you are looking for more support - let me know. I have a few windows I use that I'm happy to tell you about {some FB groups, etc.} ... and I'll stop rambling here. :)

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