Thursday, November 27, 2014

Make Me an Instrument

I wish I had better words today. Words to resonate, reflect and teach, but I am weak. I am scared and sad for the world. So much hatred, so much hurt and sadness.



He said it so much more eloquently than I ever could. May your hearts find lightness and love today, and all days. 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Falling Further In

After the last year, it seems almost wrong to admit to loving the autumn this time around. I feel like a Pollyanna to admit to wanting to embrace the brightly colored leaves and cooling weather.

I don't remember how old I was when my dad would start these speeches about the turning of the seasons, "The leaves start turning colors, and the air gets crisp. Fall is a wonderful time of the year...."

At the time I thought it was corny.  (I must have been a teenager, come to think of it.) Mostly because the start of every season meant another speah. "Ahh...springtime...."

But now, I'm grown, I have kids of my own, and I think I'm starting to understand the need to mark time like this. The kids are growing so fast now, learning, stretching, pushing. And time marches on, so we comment on the leaves falling, and the cold coming, because we cannot stop it, not even if we tried.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Metaphor.

I wish I had something else to say. There's only so much a person can ramble on about how she's looking forward to the changes that will eventually come with the new chapter in her life. Only so much imagining that can come before the dreams start to sag under their own potential.

So I will tell you a story, instead.

Ben loves Legos. Loves them. He's got bins, baggies and a huge sack of them stuffed under the bed. Claire loves them too, and, as it happens so does my husband. (To be perfectly honest, I'm rather fond of them myself, but don't yet have my *own* set of Legos.)

Chances are, if there is a mess here, then there are probably those little plastic bricks involved. Not too long ago, I was puttering around while the kids were at camp. I stepped on one of those things. HOLY CRAP, believe me when I tell you, it was one of the single most painful experiences of my life. Childbirth, root canal and hand surgery. Nothing compares to the feeling of that little plastic piece cramming itself up into the bottom of my foot. Nothing. And I limped around for two days afterwards. Two days.

I told a friend about it, and she said. "Man, isn't that some sort of perfect metaphor for parenthood."

Pain, caused by your kid, that you have to power through to deal with your kid. Yep, that is pretty perfect.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

A Seat At the Table

I remember it well.

It was late 1993, and I was a senior in college. My boyfriend at the time, an engineering student, had an email account. I remember that he let me use it from time to time to write to friends at other schools.

Not too long afterwards, I had my own account and needed it for classes, but in my spare time, I started. Dipping my toes into the newly-born Internet.

I found bulletin boards, like-minded explorers trying things on for size.
Later on, I found friends, started a blog at LiveJournal and made more friends. It was fun.

Eventually, I moved to a traditional blog - this one. I've been here for a while and I love it. I love the way it feels when the words come flying out of my fingers. It's liberating, in a way that nothing else can bring me.

Last month, I went to a blogging conference, my second. Unlike the first time, I walked away full. Full of ideas. Full of hope. Full of confidence. I remember, at some point, talking to one of my friends saying something about how I'm not a "big blogger." She turned to me. "You have to stop saying that."

Perhaps I am a small blogger, but writing here feels good. It's what my soul needs some times.

I'm going back to Type-A next year. I bought my ticket yesterday, I found a roommate. And, we're going to be Awesome.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

After.

I need to start processing it. I walked away full to the brim. I gained more than I ever hoped that I would.

I made connections - I learned about myself, my sense of self as a writer. I found confidence.

Most important, I found my people. The tribe of women who understood me, laughed with me, and will hold me up when I need it. They are there, and they are a powerful force.

I'm already counting the days until next year.

#typeacon
The view from the 26th Floor. 

There was some photo silliness with @ThePJMama

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Away We Go!

The kids have settled into their school routine. Claire was easy, she was going into the known. Ben is still unsure, but every day it's going a little smoother.

As for me - I'm working on the new me.
Tomorrow - I'm heading off alone. Exploring a new city, meeting new friends, and starting a journey. It's time to take my blog, to a different level.

See you on the other side.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Requiem

I don't think I've ever written about it. For too long, the memories were too raw and fresh to need to commit them to paper. But that was thirteen years ago, and images fade, eventually.

Looking out the window and seeing the impossible, on what had been perfect day.

I was at the gym, and someone came in and told us the news, so I ran to the roof and looked for myself. Went to the office, because that was a safe place. Our windows faced south. I called my parents, Dave, my friends.

We watched.
We held each other and cried. We went home, some walked miles in unsuitable shoes, borrowed and broken shoes. I was lucky, I was able to get a subway home with Dave.

I had forgotten the pain until this morning, looking at the beautiful clear, blue of the sky. It washed over me suddenly, when I wasn't expecting it to. It was so very long ago.