Thursday, November 28, 2013
Ben: We should buy Grampa a Hannukah present.
Me: Oh, OK, Ben. What should we get him? What do you think he'd like?
Ben: I know! Let's make him a Christmas decoration!
Friday, November 22, 2013
I'm going to be participating in this. We're going to be knitting a pair of socks IN ONE WEEK.
For those of you who know me - remember, the last pair of socks took me well over a year to finish.
Also, sorry for falling down on that whole "Blog post every day thing" but hey, look at me, blogging more than once a week, that's surely an improvement.
Monday, November 18, 2013
It seems a change is coming. I suddenly find myself getting ready for something new. Claire is in school all day now, and Ben will be joining her next fall.
I am looking for relevance. I left the workplace, six years ago when Claire was born. Dave and I decided that it was of paramount importance that one of us be an at-home presence while our kids were young.
But those days are dwindling. And I am faced with a lot of change. A lot of time. How I choose to travel next is exciting and ferociously scary. I can't quite see what I'm supposed to become. But I have faith, after a fashion, that I will figure that bit out in due time.
This morning, the day dawned brighter than it has in a while. Something inside has shifted back for a bit. I can see clearly now. I can move through the days without choking on them. It may turn back to darkness before long, but for now, the sun is warm on the damp leaves and I can find peace.
I love you all.
I especially want to take a moment to thank my friend Andrea at Good Girl Gone Redneck for being so supportive. Especially for pointing me towards Band Back Together, where I've found a community of writers facing so many of the same things that I've been facing.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
It's just not the way your brain works any more.
But there you are, walking through the streets of your neighborhood. Walking to pick up your kid at school, and you notice the trees - dappled in golden sunlight, shining through the autumn leaves. Something triggers a thought, and another, and next thing you know, you're crossing 79th Street, wiping away tears and hoping you can hold it together long enough to get both kids.
It's everything - the afternoon sun arcing across the sky, the cold wind against your cheeks. Catching the sunset as it bounces off the windows of the apartment across the street. It's smelling dinner smells as you walk home from the park, tired children asking about dinner.
The dark is coming.
It's sneaking in. Noticing that there's not time to go to the park after homework time, because it will be too dark. It's realizing the cold you feel in the morning isn't just physical - but lives someplace in your head. December can be so cheery, bright lights, candles and togetherness. January too, when winter is still fresh and new like the morning after a blizzard. But February is a dark master. Cold and dim and eternal, despite being the shortest month of the year.
Even now, in the middle of November, I feel the teeth of winter, nipping at my heels. I prepare - medications, therapies, and that bright, bright light. Hoping to force the demons to heel again.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
- I cry, a lot. Pretty much everything makes me cry - happy, sad, angry. It's my go-to for extreme emotion
- I'm terribly awkward. Oh I try, and I can get away with it, sometimes, but good god, am I awful at small talk.
- I love movies - whether on the TV at home, or in the theaters. Love them. Have terrible taste, and am never going to choose an art film over a major Hollywood blockbuster
- I haven't traveled much. Wish I had when I was younger, before the kids.
- I wish I could sing. I mean, I can sing, but I wish I were better at it. Clearly, karaoke is in my future
- I don't like Nutella.
- I'd rather be home, and taking care of my kids than doing just about any other job.
- Yet, I miss working in an office. I miss chit-chat, and lunch with buddies
- I had to blog today, so here is a meme.