Friday, June 6, 2014

Summer Is Coming

It's like those darned Game of Thrones people, but a lot more fun.

Summer is coming. We have had our first camping trip. A wild success that. We had free-range kids and it was glorious. They found a herd of buddies and some *other* family had hung a swing. Claire and Ben and their cousins, checked in regularly, were never out of earshot, and sent back emissaries for water and snacks. The adults, for their part made sure that we didn't have any beer or Mike's to bring back to the city and kept the campfire burning.

The campers of "Camp Camperscout"
The end of the school year is here. School days are short - and filled with extra activities. Field trips, special shows, carnivals and moving up ceremonies. The kids have done well in school this year, and I'm so very proud of them.

Summer stands in front of us - bold and hot. Full of promise and adventure. Of day camp, and camping. Lazy days and busy weekends. I can't wait for a moment more. And yet, sitting here, listening to the evening birds calling across the buildings, feeling the evening breeze through the window, I feel the moment of now settling perfectly around me.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Deep Thoughts

I had a whole post written out. Was all set to hit publish and a weird wi-fi hiccup happened, and now it's lost.

Suffice it to say, a little girl called me fat the other day. She's five, at the most, one of Claire's classmates in her music class. In that high-pitched little girl voice, she asked me if I had a baby in my tummy.

Now maybe her mother hasn't taught her yet that it's not appropriate to ask if someone is expecting a baby. Or maybe she hasn't learned that making comments about other people's appearances is rude.

Either way, she said it, and I was taken aback. I mean, I am what I am, but
what bothered me more was that her mom didn't say anything to her. No immediate admonishment, no whisper about how such things might hurt someone's feelings. Maybe Mom didn't hear her, or was distracted by the toddler.

Still it's days later, and I'm still ruminating on it.

Then again, I had a different experience yesterday. We were walking to school and my friend and I were talking about our hair. As women tend to, we were complaining about it. (Too short, don't know how to style it, etc.)

This woman, stopped me, and basically said "Bitch, please, you have great hair..." Then she proceeded to tell me all the different things I might do to style it. Scrunch it with gel! Get a flatiron.

So, I guess the takeaway from this - I'm sort of fat, but I've got great hair.
Truth in advertising, I guess.

Monday, May 5, 2014

These are my confessions

Ben took this picture. Explains why our heads are chopped off. 

There comes a time when you realize that *this* right here is what you were supposed to be doing all along. 

That the sadness and anger have faded away again - and while you might get frustrated from time to time, they are fragments of the reality that you are proud to call your own. 

For a time there, I was caught. Trying to plan for a future I could not yet see. Remembering a self that I was nearly a decade ago, and wallowing in its loss. 

But here I am in May, 2014. Nearly seven years to the day that I started this chapter of my life, I am content. I am content in a way I thought I'd lost, or worse, that I'd never find. 

When I was much younger, maybe in college, or just afterwards, I was talking with a friend, discussing what we wanted for our future selves. I told her that more than anything else I wanted to be a mom. The sort who hosts the play dates, and bakes cookies. 

I don't host play dates any more. And I don't bake cookies as nearly as often as I thought. However,  I am the mom the teacher assumes can go on the trip to the petting farm. The one who gets compliments on how nice/smart/clever the kid is. The one who - and I am not making this up - was told at some point that the one of the reasons they were considering a second pregnancy was because they had seen me with my kids and it seemed delightful. 

(Surely, if they could have heard me yelling at my kids, they might have had a second opinion on that last bit.)

It might not be the glamorous life I once thought I'd have. I'm not moving up a corporate ladder. I'm not pursuing anything but Ben in a game of tag. 

But I'll tell you what. It's my life. And I'm allowed to love it.   
C'mon, I get to spend all day with these goons?

Friday, April 18, 2014

And so it goes

I'm sitting on my bed, a pile of laundry at my feet. (It's clean, but needs sorting and putting away.) I'm listening to my kids playing with their marble run in the living room

For the first time this week, I'm not anxious or depressed. I just Am. I've been fiddling with the doses of the supplements I take, and I realized that I'd been skipping one. Adding that back, plus getting a bit more sleep has definitely helped.

So here I am. Writing and surfing around, reading new blogs and wondering who else is out there.

Saturday, April 5, 2014


I can't think of an organized thing to tell you this week, but I can probably come up with a few smaller bits. 

  1. Despite my last post, the weather hasn't improved all that much. Sure, it was nice and sunny yesterday. But today, it's back to gray skies and chilly. I'd like to burn my winter coat. 
  2. Eating Paleo sucks in this sort of weather. I want warm carby food. Buttered noodles, toasted pita popcorn. But I will persevere. 
  3. Claire has been whining non-stop all morning. At her brother, her homework and now (dear lord save me) AT HER COLORING BOOK. I. Just. Can't
  4. The kids are starting swimming lessons today. Both are excited - and they get to go with a friend, which is extra awesome for me. The friend's mom is one of my bestest buddies on earth. Am so excited that I get to spend scheduled time with her EVERY WEEK from now until June! 
  5. I made the coffee too strong this morning, and took my anti-depressant. This is an unpleasant combination, to say the least. I'm on a razor's edge. My eyeballs feel twitchy and I have so much to do, I can't focus on any single task long enough to finish it. 

Friday, March 21, 2014


The tides are turning.
The light lingers longer in the evenings. And you despair less and less each day.

The sun is warm, when the wind dies down.
The sky is a perfect blue.

There are still moments where the darkness creeps in. But it's not the same penetrating black thing as before - it's a crepe-colored grey, with cracks of beauty seeping in. Flashes of light. Glimmers.
Amid the dead, dry leaves from last fall, when the bleak days began, there is life. Daffodils, and crocuses are starting to peek their cautious heads out. That's how I feel.

Cautious and peeking

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The New Normal

For the last month, we've had a new routine around here.

Ben's school extended his class from 2 and a half hours to a full five. He's there all afternoon. It's fantastic for him - he was bouncing off the walls and needed way more than I could give him. I was also beginning to worry a bit about how well he would transition to full-day kindergarten in September.

However, his school stepped up and now he's got enough to keep him busy. At the same time, I was also feeling like I didn't get enough time with Claire.

Now I get both. She gets out of school at 2:30 and we come home, and I have a nice concentrated block of time with her. So far, we've done homework, and read books. But I don't think I realized what a pain it was for her to think with her brother around. He's just chaos incarnate these days. So, her work is improving.

We haven't had this kind of time together, she and I, since she was in PreK and Dave was working at home. I'd leave Ben napping and walk to her school to get her, we'd have a great time together until he woke up again.

And since Claire doesn't need help, but wants company - I am sitting here, next to her, working on this, while she talks her way through her math work.

It's nice.